I've got 99 problems....

Today I am recovering from a quick unexpected surgery on my left ovary. Without all the juicy details there was a mass they removed it and I will still be able to have children. I'm super sore and broke the skin on one of the openings getting out of the tub tonight. During which I started to think of all the reasons I NEED to lose weight.
I am writing them all down here and as more come to mind I will edit the list and hopefully it positively impacts my self esteem or drive or motivation....something. So here it goes:

99. To be able to shop in the normal size section at stores
98. To walk up stairs without being winded
97. To look in the mirror and feel sexy
96. To go to the waterpark and ride more than one slide because it won't hurt me to walk all those stairs
95. To go to the waterpark and feel good in my swimsuit
94. To actually buy a swimsuit.
93. To be able to wear in style jeans without my ass hanging out for everyone to see.
92. To have more confidence in all aspects of my life.
91.So I can start a family and have a healthy pregnancy.
90. So I will be the most attractive wife for myself and my husband(Even though he thinks I am beautiful)
89.  To be healthy and put years back on my life expectancy.
88. To break the family cycle of type 2 diabetes.
87. So I can finally have that spot between my thighs when I am just standing.
86. To be fit and strong
85. To help overcome the stress of being a large person
84. So no one ever has to have the ackward "Are you pregnant" conversation with me when I am actually just big.
83. To know that I CAN do this even though it's going to be really difficult. I will succeed.
82.To fit in the airplane seats comfortably even if Scott never wants to fly.
81. To be able to ride all the rides at amusement parks.
80. To take my dog on a full out run and not have to stop until he is tired.
79. To be inspirational to someone battling the same issues.
78. To have a pea coat fit my arms right in the winter.
77. To eat healthy and make it a way of life not a sacrifice.
76. So I can do a push up...the real kind not the girl kind.
75. So I can run a mile in less than 15 minutes (And actually run it not walk)
74.To be able to have my blood pressure taken with the normal cuff
73.To feel womanly again and not like some bloated out version of my former self.
72. To have more fun during sex
71. To have more stamina during sex
70. To be sexier and fit into sexier lingerie.
69.To be able to wear mini skirts---proudly.
68. To get some gorgeously skanky tattoo on my hip and thigh or down my side that is just hot.
67. To have less struggles getting ready in the morning
66. To not feel tired all the time
65. To have energy and use it freely
64. To fit into a standard size bathtub easily and without struggle.
63.To get sexy hair styles that normally wouldn't look good on my face shape.
62. To look more desirable when I apply to pharmacy school next fall.
61. To be able to say I have overcome obesity.
60. To fit in bar stool chairs and not have the arms dig into my hips and thighs.
59. To run around with my nieces and nephews
58. So my panties stay up on their own and not roll down my fat roll
57. To not have cellulite on my thighs
56. To not see the mole on the underside of my chin that can only be seen when my face is fat.
55.To have a pretty driver's license picture not one where I look like Mimi from Drew Carrey show
54. To not be ashamed of the number that comes out of my mouth when people ask how much I weigh
53. To be able to share clothes with my sisters
52. So my husband can carry me into our hotel room when we finally go to Disneyworld!
51. To be able to have freaky sex against the wall with my husband only holding my hips.
50. To sit on my husbands lap and have him enjoy it for longer than the 2 minutes it takes for his legs to fall asleep now.
49.To cross my legs like a real lady
48. To wear thong underwear without feeling like the waist band is cutting me.
47. So I can paint my toenails beautiful colors and not struggle to reach them
46. To not have to have a warm up before I stand up from the furniture
45.To not be 27 with grandma flabby arms
44. To be excited to shop again
43. To take family pictures to be proud of
42. To be free from the chains of this weight
41. To not look at the size of meals and wonder if I will still be hungry.(Even when it's clearly huge)
40. To FEEL beautiful again
39. To not have my chin rest on my chest when I lay on my back
38. To have a skinnier labial area.(I know this one is weird but it does actually get bigger when I gain weight)
37.To fit with my husband in a queen size bed and not feel like one of us is hogging the bed.
36. To drink water regularly and like doing it.
35. To wear a bra that actually fits and doesn't increase my back fat rolls.
34. To not be ashamed if someone sees me naked.
33. To be proud of the hard work I have to do to get there.
32. To wear actual skinny jeans not just any pair of jeans and have them fit like skinny jeans because my thighs are so huge!
31. To tan and have a cute little heart on my belly that people can see without me being ashamed.
30. To get a piggy back ride from my husband.
29. To look sexy in sexy panties instead of like a blob trying to squeeze into sexy panties.
28. To wear calf or thigh high boots that actually fit my calfs/thighs.
27. To wear tank tops freely without reservations
26. To not look in a full elevator and  calculate that I will put the thing over the weight limit.
25. To not have my belly rub on everything I walk near
24. To have a desirable butt with cute formed little butt cheeks
23. To be normal
22. To be loved
21. To have what I want
20. To do better in all aspects of my life
19. To be a positive role model.
18. To drink without fear that alcohol will make me fat
17. To be able to be pulled behind a boat fast without worrying if it can handle my weight
16. To wear slutty Halloween costumes
15. To renew my vows in a form fitted wedding gown
14. To not have my husband accidentally put on my jeans and have like 10 extra inches of room
13. To lay out in the summer and be happy with my body
12. TO have more room when Scott and I shower together.
11. To prove to myself I am worth it
10. To feel excited about my future
9. To love myself
8. To gain back my personality pre-weight gain
7. To have faith in myself and my goals
6. Dream big and know my dreams are attainable
5. To do a pull up at the gym
4. To hear people say are you losing weight? And gleefully respond yes!
3. To be a better me.
2. To feel better
1. Because I can and I want to.

Keep on Dreamin.

Today is the first day of 2012. Crazy right? The year they say will be our last....I'm doubting that but you never know, so this year I am not resoluting to do anything crazy or drastic. Yes I want to lose weight, save money, stop biting my nails(again), do laundry everytime the basket is full, and be a better wife. But this is all stuff that is EXTREME from what I already do. So instead, here I am, just being me and working on that so the weight will fall off, money will add up, nails will grow, and laundry will stay done all by persistence. If I believe I can, I WILL.
Not alot of updates on my progress...holidays are a rough time to lose weight but I didn't gain any additional pounds either so that is a good note.

Scott and I joined the local gym on Saturday. We will be getting our $50 a month out of the membership!! :) Already have gone once and planning to go again tonight when he gets home.

Life is so different now than 10 years ago. I can't believe I ACTUALLY married my first love, and we are actually doing this! It is the most awesome feeling in the world! I love my husband and am so excited to be spending the next 50, 60, 70 plus years with him. Can't wait to be a healthy weight so I can start our family!

HAPPY 2012!! Good vibes for everyone!  

Week 2 and 3

Been really busy around here getting ready for Thanksgiving break with a bunch of tests at school, then I had the flu on Thanksgiving and now back into the swing of everyday life.
Week 2: lost 2.2 pounds.
Week 3: lost 5.5 pounds.
Haven't taken pictures or measurements but I will try and get to that tomorrow. I have to take my sister's family photos tomorrow and do some organic chemistry homework, but hopefully after that I can get the update rolled out. Thanks for your continued support any readers out there and happy Christmas season! I love the lights and music and just over all FEEL GOOD feeling of the season!

Week 2: Accepting this is not going to just fall off.

It's been a week of change, my eating habits, soda drinking habits, and exercise. I'll admit I thought I would have a HUGE number this week but it's not huge. It's not small, but definitely not huge. I do feel less tired already and am still feeling the super motivation so that's good. I need to be working out more consistently on a everyday basis. I thought every other day would be ok but I am finding a downward slope in motivation when it comes to the work out after a day of rest. Plus my body still needs to be in shock mode. Good #s in the inches lost area though no complaints so far. I mean obviously my noodle body is sore but it's a good sore.

I have stayed under 1200 calories everyday and have drank about 2 liters of water a day. I have cut back my soda intake EXTREMELY. From 6-8 12 ounce cans a day to 2-3 7.5 ounce cans a day super happy about that as I knew this was a factor in my weight gain as well as caffeine headaches.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for a non-related issue. I'll be finding out if I need surgery to un-twist my ovaries or not. Let's hope there's good blood flow to them both and minimal damage is found so surgery is not needed. **Fingers staying crossed over night**

I hope you had a great week. Will post about the doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Day 1 & 2

Starting out slow with adjusting food intake habits.
Yesterday I stayed under 1500 calories and today I stayed under 1300.
My husband showed me the basic exercises we will be utilizing and how to properly do them without getting injured. It feels pretty good to go into this whole thing with a positive outlook.
He said are you doing this for show or to feel better.

And to be honest probably a little of both, but both reasons are for me.

I wanted to document this transformation so if I ever lose sight of the healthy living again I can always look back and see how far I have come. I don't ever want to get in the denial phase again. You know the one where slowly but surely the weight creeps back on, at first your clothes get too tight, then you have no clothes that fit, then the next time you are at the store you have to buy a size up and then a size up after that. It's continuous and while it may only feel like a little bit at that time, lots of little bits add up FAST.
For me ENCOURAGEMENT is key. Don't make a spectacle of me, if I want to do so myself that's my prerogative, but don't discourage me because of it. Losing weight is hard, just like breaking any other addiction and while you may not think it compares to drugs or alcohol, to me food is my drug. It does the things drugs and alcohol do. It equally damages my health and well being and it's also recovery that is needed. An ongoing process always deciding which foods to choose, which days to exercise, etc. Thank you for your continued support and I hope to inspire some by setting myself straight. Good Night and Happier Days Ahead! Or at least more active ones for sure!
~* Ashlee

About from Pig to Twig

Hello out there!
My name is Ashlee. I'm like the epitome of life time student (as a 6th year senior at a freaking community college, I'm just going to get my pre-requisites for pharmacy school finished up which has been a much bigger battle in itself than just school, but that's a whole different story ) I recently married my best friend and we moved an hour away from our hometown. Being away from family is the hardest ever, but it's also made me step back and look at my life and who I am. I have let go of myself and ballooned up to a startling number, which as of this minute I am afraid to even look at the scale. I'm unhealthy, morbidly obese as the text books state, which is insulting in itself as that seems to suggest some gruesomeness is involved when looking at me or being around me. My BMI is close to 50. I have no other existing conditions that are weight related (besides depression/anxiety) which is kind of a cyclic side effect of being big. I get depressed, eat, gain weight, get depressed, eat more, gain more, get anxiety about the amount gained etc. you get the point. I'm tired all of the time, highly intolerable to the cold, and pretty unmotivated in most aspects of my life.

I have self described this phase as becoming a blob: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I don't just eat to survive.

I eat anything and everything for any reason or absolutely no reason, in insanely large amounts. Very similar to slop on a pig farm(hence the blogs title) It's almost like an addictive drug, the sense of euphoria and completeness washes away any rooted cause of the binge and usually is followed by hours of the oh god I ate to much feeling. Not too far off from the guilt that overcomes me, as I know the 1000's of calories I just downed are going to cause more weight gain and then another round of binging. The truth is, I have actually been this big for most of my life. I say "most" because I got the power and courage to do this once before and lost over 100 pounds in high school between my Junior and Senior year. I maintained for a few years, then got a live in boyfriend and the rest is history.It's vicious and deadly and NOT the answer I'm accepting anymore. 

For me, this is not a case of not knowing if I CAN do it, because I already know I can. I have before. It's about being ready to accept that this is not how I want to be, not who I am, and most certainly not who I am going to continue to be. It's about learning to co-exist with exercise and eating to survive not to satisfy some other lost part of my being.

I have accepted the fact that I am in danger of serious medical conditions due to my weight, especially with a family history that is not blue ribbon material in itself. So, with the support of my husband I am going to alter my lifestyle to eat healthier, in much smaller, more humanly portions, AND (this one's the big one) exercise on a daily basis to get to a text book healthy weight. Which for me, (at 5'9") is between 150-160 pounds. The low healthy is around 130 pounds, but for me that is unrealistic. I want to still look like an adult woman with smooth lines when I am at my goal. So more in the form of a twig or healthy stick not a board. I am aiming for 160 pounds which is borderline on the healthy line...and my timeline is not set because I want to do this the right way and pace off the weight just as I have allowed it to pace itself on.

The reason for this blog is to have something or someone to be accountable to. I need this extra umph to keep me on course. I am going to be posting pictures of each 10 pound loss I achieve and in the unfortunate chance I gain some weeks, I will post a weekly progress photo. This is so I can see the transformation for myself (which I am hoping will help with the emotions of losing weight) and to keep me motivated. Feel free to check back frequently, I intend on posting often check out my posts, pictures, etc as you wish and don't be afraid to join on the journey. Please keep your comments positive as one of the sole purposes of this blog is to gain support in my battle.

I'll post week 1 photos tomorrow and measurements.

Happy Reading and wish this pig luck on her journey!
~*Miss Piggy